“If you could wave a magic wand and change your life so it was exactly how you wanted it, what would you change?”
This is the question that made me cry.
Or more accurately, my answer made me cry.
I said, “Well, it would be easy to say I’d change my business. Or I’d say that I’d change my relationship with my kids. But in all honesty, I’ve been using them as shields to deflect from what I really need to change. I really need to change the relationship I have with myself.”
And then, the tears started rolling.
I mean, it’s hard enough to admit that the relationship I have with myself is not what I want it to be.
It feels even worse because so much of the work I do is in helping people, especially moms like me, heal and strengthen the relationship they have with themselves.
It’s sort of like a doctor saying, “turns out I’m not so great at taking my medicine and that’s why I can’t seem to shake this cold.”
Or a yoga teacher saying, “it’s so weird, but I just keep injuring my shoulder and I can’t figure out why.”
I don’t mind being vulnerable and honest.
That doesn’t make acknowledging my flaws and struggles any easier.
Last weekend, I flew to San Diego for the Boss Mom Retreat, which is exactly what it sounds like: a business retreat for moms who are entrepreneurs. I couldn’t really afford to go, but Dana Malstaff (the “Boss Mom”) gave me a scholarship and I found reasonable airfare and my amazing MIL took off 3 days of work to take care of my kids.
I looked at this retreat as my last chance to give my business CPR.
I also sort of hoped that this retreat would solve all of the problems I have with my business.
I hoped that I’d come away with the answers to why my business is struggling and the exact steps I need to take in order to make it grow, thrive, and be fabulously successful.
What I discovered instead was that I’ve been getting in my own way.
It’s not my business.
I mean, my business can use some tweaking and adjusting. There are plenty of things I can do better, business-wise. And I could certainly improve when it comes to marketing my offerings and being more visible.
But mostly, I need to work on me.
The day before, I’d had a conversation with a fellow boss mom about my business struggles. We’d talked a lot about how different running a fitness/wellness/self-care business is online. How saturated the online market is. How instagram, youtube, and facebook have changed the dynamic of what people expect from yoga teachers or healers or coaches online. And that more and more these days, people aren’t learning from actual teachers online but from influencers who are sponsored to “teach” yoga, but don’t have any real life experience (or teaching qualifications).
And everyone expects it for free.
After listening to me rant about this for awhile, she turned me and asked, “so what’s your money story.”
Without thinking or blinking an eye I said, “Oh I don’t really value myself. And I don’t think other people value me either.”
My chin trembled but I refused to cry. I wanted to seem matter-of-fact about it. Like I was totally cool with the fact that I don’t believe that I am worthy of people paying me for my services.
And not just that I’m ok with it, but I expect it.
Let that sink in for just a minute.
Basically I am acknowledging that my mindset for at least the past 2 years (but if I’m honest, much much longer) is that I am not worthy.
I’m not worthy of students.
I’m not worthy of a successful business.
I am not worthy of being paid for my knowledge and skills.
I am not worthy of respect.
I am not worthy.
It’s painful to write it all out loud.
It’s also necessary.
Because when I see those words, I know it’s not actually true.
That’s why my mantra this week is I AM WORTHY.
I know just saying it won’t magically fix everything.
Even saying it every single day for a week.
And it’s still where I am starting,
This weekend I was reminded that I create my own thoughts. I create my own emotions. And I can reprogram my subsconscious to stop running the autopilot message that I am not worthy and replace it with the belief that I am worthy.
“I am not worthy” is a story I have been telling myself for way too long.
What story have you been telling yourself that you are ready to let go?
What statement of truth are you going to reprogram your subconscious with?